as i recapture the lost sparkle of this spot, let me post this one:

 [video align='align-center']http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5G32f_pA9x4[/video]

 i hope this makes up for my absences!

god bless this 2009! see y'all single ladies!

*sparkles!

this is the very first time, and probably the last time, i'm gonna speak about it; well, in general terms. (so well crafted, you'd think it's fiction. so long, you'd never reach the end of it. sorry, it's not part of my system to spill the beans. i'm used to bottling up everything although i know it's unhealthy. if after this, i'll leave you confused, it's intentional). i just had to unload, for once, or else my veins gonna explode. 

the incidents leading to "the" event were whipped with so much irony. my source had been feeding me with what to expect. i was in denial. i would always say, if that's going to happen, maybe, it just had to. let's not work against nature. i was putting up a brave face but inside, my foundations were crumbling. this is where the saying, "tulak ng bibig kabig ng dibdib"  is applicable minus all the romance. i'd been summoning all the powers of and in the universe to stop what my source had painted me via text. but i believed otherwise. i knew positivity would fail me for the very first time. i was still thinking it although i didn't believe it  at that time. so twisted, i am now confused. and i know, you all are.

i had to leave yesterday for work. i could easily say i couldn't attend but i didn't cancel. i'd failed my group for so many times with my own follies i couldn't afford to gamble another chip. it's true that when you leave your mind behind, no matter how agile the corporal is, it'd be lifeless. 

on my way i was praying but my prayers were plain words--meaningless. i was so agitated that every move of fellow passengers could possibly trigger my explosion.

few steps to our meeting place i had to veil myself with the usual happiness. but the veil was diaphanous. i knew they would and could see through it.

and then i made a call to my source.

they decided to leave, my source said. and they were taking my playmates. 

questions filled my mind. and tears welled up in my eyes.

they couldn't take away my playmates. they just couldn't.

we shouldn't drag them into the downward spiral we all crafted. we just shouldn't.

i finally brokedown. and they noticed it.

they wanted me to unload. but i couldn't speak. 

i'm not used to the grand gestures--the speaking, the hugging, the attention. hell no! i really don't like attracting all eyes towards my direction. i don't have the confidence that can survive all the stares. 

i'm not a fridge and i don't like the sight of the i'd-been-to magnets attached to it like leeches. i maybe touchy but when crunch time comes, my sense of and yearning for touch would always leave me. (but don't get me wrong, i still love to be hugged). 

i prefer the rhetoric, the literature. i'm more comfortable with and in it. hence, this entry. i owe it to my sincere groupmates who were puzzled. sorry i had to hush myself. i have to resort to this. 

my life, or better yet, myself is a poetic repository of ironies. i used to think (and later believed) i'm convivial. but recently, i never realized that i prefer to be alone more than being in the crowd. i prefer to be with my playmates than with the outside world. i don't know if this is my body's way of preparing me to the life ahead--reclusion. and this is just one of the many examples of the ironies in my life; the others deserve a whole new entry.

i had to keep up with my group's joviality. otherwise, i'd cast dark clouds over us the whole day yesterday. and i didn't want them to be dragged in the darkness. but all my laughters were hollow. in the middle of every bite, every sip, and every act (of the fabuleux secretaire drama), i could only imagine the fear that this whole damned incident has brought forth to my playmates.    

the pendulum swung monotonously until, finally, i had to leave. 

it was the loooooongest trip i've ever had. so long i could do nothing but cry. in the darkness, my tears glistened. and i f*ckin' hated it. people started to look.

i'd been dying to rush home but i had to attend our church meeting. another avenue to ease the tension, i reasoned out.  

then, finally, i arrived.

and there it was, amidst the blaring and glaring tv set, the vast emptiness. the by-product of the drama that happened earlier when i was out.   

the same toxic air enveloped me like devil welcoming a new recruit.

the sound of the television couldn't mask the echo of the silence. 

i still would like to believe my playmates were just hiding behind the door or underneath the dining table as they would always do every time i arrive. 

but the usual time had elapsed and still no playmates.  

and then i asked for what had transpired. 

my source's story didn't yield any clarity. i asked more questions.

above any other things i was, and still am, thinking of my playmates.

*what about their school?

*what time they have to wake up?

*where are they sleeping? or a better question would've been, can they still sleep after what they've witnessed? oh god...i wanted to turn back time. i could have covered their eyes and ears. i could have protected them from that malevolent event. 

*will they still visit us? will i ever see them again?

though i want them more than the answers, i have to settle with mere hypotheses.

now, i can only stare at the screen. every corner of this house reminds me of them. and every reminder seals my wantonness to cut all my connections to the outside world.   

as the screen projects the words, i couldn't figure out what i've written. i have to stop from time to time to wipe away the tears. i have to calm myself to steady my shaky fingers. if i used the wrong words, i apologize.

oh god, i miss them already.

around this time, they are pestering me with their requests to watch makuro kurosoke referring to the fictional ghost in the animated japanese film--"my neighbor totoro". either that or for me to stop reading and play with them.

hours from now, specifically after lunch, i would be instructing them to brush their teeth, to wash their feet, and to go to bed. we would then be continuing the story we crafted together--haring azur who hates, hates children who often cry. 

i miss screaming, "wear your slippers!" 

i miss their tantrums. and my to-the-rescue-and-save-the-world drama.

i miss our group hugs. 

i simply miss them.

in retrospect, i wanted to believe i'd been too strict with them. i'm starting to realize that i took their presence for granted. i could have been more understanding, more patient. i should have lent them more of my time. 

i wanna stop. my eyes are too dry to shed more tears.

but i have to finsh this. let me finish this. i want to complete something for today.

i don't know if i still have the strength to think. or even to exist. my body is exhausted, my mind is depleted at least for now.

i'm a fan of silence, of serene places. but now i crave for their laughters, for their shouts. this kind of silence is choking me.

in their absence, everything means nothing to me, now.  

i don't even want to think what will happen with our fraternal bond after this incident. i don't care. let nature and time handle it. 

but i'm dying to ask him these:

*now that you've unleashed your anger, are you happy now? 

*have you ever thought of my playmates who have to endure the aftermath?

*what now?

*what does it mean to you when you gained the whole world but you are ruled by solitude?

if april 14 will be remembered as the defining moment of my faith, june 11 and beyond will go down in my life's history as my darkest hours. 

yes, i'm mourning for the losses--time with my playmates,  and fractured (if not totally broken) fraternal bonds ; as well as for the gains--heartaches and loneliness.

as i close my eyes, i'll try to keep the words, "fear not, for i am with you," ablaze in my mind.

if hope springs eternal, then i'll hope for the impossible--that someday when the silverlining starts to appear on the horizon, i'll be reunited with my playmates and we will be the rowdiest group ever (i'll be fine with it), broken bonds will be mended, and i'll be jolted back to life.

n.b.:

to my friends, i'm sorry if i'll be gone for a while. goodbye for now.

(no more sparkles)

my sensitivity level to the unspoken, the euphemisms, and even to the undefined is so high that sometimes i had to act as if i were numb.  

earlier yesterday, the air inside the house was toxic. i thought i was inhaling what i'd already exhaled. something was wrong--terribly wrong--i knew it dead-on. and everytime i had that feeling, i knew it would happen.

after my church service, i decided to block off  the negative vibes, the awkward silence, and the painful scenery with much gusto. that's why, while i fixed my closet, i tuned in to magic 89.9's good times with mo. the djs were talking about stereotypes--apparently, it's a segment in their (in)famous radio program. it's called "spin the wheel." the marker landed on stereotypes hounding african americans--the item said: african americans are the world's best performers and they have humungous whang.

the last clause reminded me of the saying, "once you go black, you can't go back." true enough, majority of the callers agreed with dj mo who believes in this.

i got hooked to their interesting-and-starting-to-be-a-heated discussion. mojo jojo passionately defended his side saying not every "brother" has lochness monster hidden down south. but that was easily refuted by mo. they were just talking about the general population. of course, there will always be special and isolated cases. i agree.

then a certain marcus (the black guy who sang their show's theme song. it's very good, by the way.) phoned in. without batting an eyelash, mo asked: "so brother, how big is your whang?" i think i heard marcus' adam's apple snapped out. being a polite foreigner, he answered with great humility that it registers 6 on the scale. (and i wonder: 6 under normal condition? that's something...) the queen mojo went wild (enough said).

(plug: marcus composed (i think), produced, and recorded a song dedicated to filipinas. i caught a line from the song and it says: "...nothing in this world like a filipina girl." way to go, marcus!)

as they were about to wrap up the day's topic, mojo mentioned a scale that measured the dangling thing of the male population around the world. and the scale revealed tha african americans ranked number 1 (meaning biggest and longest--the power combo). followed by the hottie latinos. at number 3 the europeans. charging behind are the americans (well, for this portion, you have to check the accuracy of my ranking). and the last are, well, asians. if we want to be more specific, mojo continued, those who belong to the yellow race ranked the lowest among asians. and mojo (still) continued, those breed models--the mestizo (the half and half) type--are the lowest of the low in the ranking system. geeze! can you imagine! everyone is drooling over them as they strut down the catwalk only to find out they are the "untouchables" (see the caste system) in the "whang-dom."

then, they closed with a song entitled, "99 Words for Boobs" (check youtube.com for the mtv).

well, at least, even for an hour, this show had given me the illusion that i wasn't this close from a cyclone, which would take place just minutes after i left the house.

(oops, i almost forgot the other half of the stereotype. uhm, let's settle the issue. yes, they are are the world's greatest performers. done.)

and then it hit home...

to be continued...
 

Poised to scale for greater heights, Ayala Malls Cinemas has been a consistent frontrunner in redefining local cinema exhibition industry. Ayala Malls Cinemas has successfully introduced moviegoers to industry innovations that sparked a new era on how local theatres of the 21^st century should be designed. From world class auditoriums to state-of-the-art sound and projection equipment; from its formidable cinema workforce to its ever-reliable online ticketing service (www.sureseats.com), Ayala Malls Cinemas has deservingly earned the approval of both the critics and its loyal patrons.   Sealing its industry status as a major force to reckon with,  in May 2002, Ayala Malls Cinemas unveiled the brightest jewel in its cinema diadem—Greenbelt 3 Cinemas—reinforcing Ayala Malls Cinemas’ position as a market leader in the country.

Providing a majestic view of Greenbelt landscape, the almost 4,000-square meter Greenbelt 3 Cinemas with five (5) state-of-the-art auditoriums sits grandiosely on the 4^th level of the country’s Premier Lifestyle Centre—Greenbelt. With a combined seating capacity of over a thousand ergonomically-designed Ferco Seats and Comfy Seats, the fabric-walled Greenbelt 3 Cinemas boasts of two (2) THX-certified auditoriums where sound is powered by Dolby Digital EX and Sony Dynamic Digital Sound systems that pass through QSC amplifiers and JBL speakers. Its clear and crisp projection is delivered through German-made Kinoton projectors on wide Harkness Perlux II screens. Its remaining three (3) cinemas are at par with the industry’s standards as these are equipped with Dolby Digital EX sound system through Martin Audio amplifiers and speakers, projected on Galalite Matte White screens. Living up to its title as an innovator, Greenbelt Cinemas features Philippines’ first-ever and only genuine private cinema—My Cinema—a 50-seater auditorium that houses Digital Light Projector (DLP), a first in the country. Adorned with sparkling chandeliers that reflect on the blue and white Italian marble tiles on its floors, Greenbelt Cinemas shines in its full regalia welcoming its loyal clientele in pursuit of the best things this life has to offer.

Greenbelt Cinemas’ posh status makes it the perfect destination for showcasing both local and international films that have been hailed brilliant and ground-breaking. That’s why on May 28, 2008 at 7 in the evening, get “Carried” away as Greenbelt 3 Cinemas rolls out the red carpet as it hosts the much anticipated Ayala Malls Cinemas Partners’ Night. This is in celebration of one of the year’s most talked about movies, Sex and the City—an adaptation of HBO’s ® hugely popular TV series of the same title. Maintaining its spot as a preferred destination for an ultimate cinematic experience, Greenbelt 3 pays tribute to four of the world’s most adored and trendiest boob tube characters as they make their marks on the silver screen—the witty writer Carrie, the eternal optimist Charlotte, the straightforward Manhattan lawyer Miranda, and New York’s PR femme fatale Samantha along with the inseparable men in their lives: Manolo, Jimmy, and Louis—in a vibrant night of sights, sounds, and surprises! The Fun Dining Area at the 3^rd floor of Greenbelt 3 will serve as the backdrop as wit and glitz collide.  National Sports Grill and Capricciosa will offer gastronomic delights to Manila’s glitterati. Staying true to the film’s outlandish fashion that catapulted the series to becoming a style icon it is today, Greenbelt 3 Cinemas will orchestrate a fashion show and  will offer free makeovers both embracing the trends that emanate from the movie. And to punctuate the evening of fashion and glamour, at 9PM, Greenbelt 3 opens its theatre doors at Cinema 3 exclusively for the invited guests to watch as the fab four juggle (single) life (or otherwise), (elusive) love, and (expensive) labels.

Nothing beats watching your fashion-forward New Yorkers in Manila’s most posh cinema—Greenbelt 3 Cinemas, a testament to Ayala Malls Cinemas’ commitment to excellence.

This event is made possible by Ayala Cinemas in cooperation with Coca Cola Light, Paul and Joe, National Sports Grill, Capricciosa, Canon, and Banana Republic for Women.  

friday last week, i thought my life's going to crash after the quite-expected sickness that sent all my weekend plans to rubbish bin. (and i hate it when my schedule is torn into pieces). 

i thought wrong.  

it was a different kind of flu (not the one from birds). it was accompanied by unbearable pain throughout my left eye socket. i couldn't stand up. 

fortunately, i was at my parent's place.
unfortunately, i was at my parent's place.

the long forgotten (though sorely missed) caring hands of my yanan brushed my forehead once again (when was the last time i felt that feeling of being protected? aaaahhh...it was like paradise...).

why was i in GraPa1403, to begin with? i was supposed to help my yanan to clean up the house in time for their impending departure--total desertion of the place, that is. 

but, boom! i was confined in my nearly-shabby bed (but still loooovin' it); not knowing i was in for the whole weekend.

the following day, i woke up in the sound of my mom's voice. was she delivering a monologue? i listened as she enumerated the whole litany of her complaints against me.  in good health, she couldn't  pin me down. i was everywhere. but if in bad shape, i would always end up in foetal curl--listless, useless--in her arms.

unfair, she exclaimed.

i couldn't blame her.  the truth shone brighter than the morning sun. but i really wanted to help out. that was the reason i went back home. unfortunately, my health failed me--failed us, rather. 

mother's day came. i planned to take her and lola out. but my left eye socket showed no sign of compassion. the area throbbed exponentially by the minute. then, divine intervention arrived (ala deus ex machina). by noon, the pain started to become bearable. gathering my strength, i asked them, "kain tayo sa labas?" my yanan quipped, "di ka pa nga naliligo, eh." 

who cares? nobody would know (not until now).

tons of water and cologne later...i finally convinced them. i told them i also had to go to cainta for our induction as new members of the lectors and commentators ministry. i was still sick. probably, i was just propelled by my adrenalin peppered with guilt (for being useless) and my commitment to the ministry (naks!).

i couldn't think straight. but my brother kept on asking me where we were heading to. i said to tiendesitas. i had to be at the church by 5:30pm din. off we went to tiendesitas.  

we ate at mario's kitchen. i realized i haven't been to that place. nice...nice...nice...quiet...not a lot of families inside...great!

then we went directly to cainta. i needed to pick-up my uniform. on the way, rainshower started to fall. and by the time we reached cainta, the rain was in full blast. my nose started to clog and my left eye socket (again) started to sting under the rain (pun intended).

i thought i couldn't make it.

lo and behold, the Lord's will prevailed.

when i went back home, after the induction, i caught everyone running like chickens out of the fence. the body temperature of my youngest nephew, who just got out of the hospital, soared to unprecedented high (like dowjones/nikkei). he was rushed to the hospital. and, on the next day, he was admitted, again.

(sickness update: my recovery early this week wasn't consistent. i just had to force my weak self because there were a lot of pending works--due before this week ends) 

we all thought that i would carry the sickness intended for him. but life works in mysterious ways--often, far from our comprehension. 

then, the silverlining started to materialize on the horizon.

tuesday morning, the kids were invited to their lola's (mom side) house to stay until the end of the week. good news for me. my mom and lola had to go back to caloocan to finish the clearing. my sis-in-law and a helper will stay at the hospital. that means, i'll be alone in the house (to work peacefully). 

tuesday evening, while i was alone in robinsons galleria buying groceries, i received a message from sis. lanie. she needed my help as a member of LCM. i'd be the reader for the 6am mass.

i woke up early--4am. had a looooong bath (went out of the bathroom at 530am). then, i went to the church. it was like a scene in tanging yaman--early morning in the church, birds chirped in the background, and sun's rays seeped through the unfinished upper walls...

the parish priest congratulated me (though with some comments...)

i went back home, feeling so independent, and finished all my tasks--word power session, exercise, cooked meals (via microwave), reviewed scripts, replied to emails, announced meeting for h.e.r.e., finished my church reports (maccabees and a bible verse), and watched american idol. 

then at 7pm, i had my fastfood fix delivered. at 8pm it arrived. i had to satisfy myself with two lozenges. then off i went to our regular church meeting. 

i led the prayer. (sis. christy commented that it was a wonderful one)

i reported my chosen bible passage (presented through a self-made bookmark; mine was circle). they applauded! ahahhaha!

i was asked to read a sample of the second reading...

i reported my research on the first book of maccabees (they  were impressed of how prepared i was; with all of the props)...

why so happy? because i think they think that i was not committed to the ministry and that i was just playing around. i hope with my "performance," i proved them wrong.

but more challenges are yet to come.

so, there...how many times i've heard, "fear not..." ? still, i let it hound me.  how many times had i surpassed so many great trials? still, i doubt. 

may this be a reminder that in every ounce of fear, there's a pound of strength (He provides).

i end by quoting the passage right  in the middle of the bible, Ps. 118:8, "It's better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in men." 

*sparkles! 

on april 1st, i officially took over as helping every child for the right to education’s (h.e.r.e.) project director. whatever they say, i would like to believe it was an auspicious day. although there was no formal turnover of duties and responsibilities, the leadership belt is now with me.

now, more than ever, i am starting to grasp the enormity of the tasks as the ship’s captain.

i am blinded and paralyzed by fear of  what’s gonna happen in the vast ocean. i have a big shoe to fill. my predecessors did great jobs. they were able to call on the orders allowing us to weather some of the most ferocious storms. (my hat's off to them.) their unwavering leadership and the magnanimity of those people who were in the ship helped the organization to sail through. after my predecessor has proclaimed, "take her to the sea," i was left wondering, "where do i want it to go?" the options buoy in front me. i could drop the anchor and let h.e.r.e. rest for a while after three years of successful voyage. after all, the usual faces aren’t present anymore. Or i could grab the steering wheel and let it sail to places it has never seen before.

now, more than ever, i am starting to realize that the century-old adage, "a good leader is a great follower," is true that i can taste every word of it. 

i have had the privilege to work with some of my generation’s prolific leaders, whose wit and wisdom pierced the human heart. at times, i’d been critical of how these people led their (respective) teams. but now that i am leading my own team, how will i fair? will i be at par with them? 

this is an acid test of the lessons i’ve learned in the past. am i really a leader? or i’m better off as a follower? will i be able to make things happen? or will i make things worse?

fear envelops me every time i think of the gargantuan tasks ahead of me. but every time i think of those who will benefit from what we are (and will be) doing, the cloud of fear disappears. the "thank you messages" we are receiving from our scholars are like  chants of the lost tribes, which have the power to ward off the evil spirits.

certainly, i have too many questions and huge amount of doubts. but the time continues to tick. i can’t afford to (continuously) ask because a minute is crucial–and every moment lost is every opportunity resigned to oblivion.

days before the new school year formally begins, we are still in dire need of additional donors who are willing to send kids by giving P100/month (in 10 months). i don't know who are the willing souls. but i know, they are just around the corner waiting to be discovered.

why am i so scared? i don’t know the answer, really. why don’t i just face the challenge and believe that everything will be fine.

...so let it be written, so let it be done.
 

*sparkles

oprah and i were scheduled to fly to hiltons' (of qc) for the dreaded robinsons supply chain video editing. 

before oprah and i left the house, we played with the kids. then, off we went to the hiltons. we stopped by the gateway mall at araneta center in cubao to "window" shop. while salivating at the high-tagged items, i really wished the queen of talk was there. she could have granted my heart's desires.

we then went to the hiltons' house at kapiligan to start the editing project.

(from left: playing with kids, at people are people in gateway, at hilton's bedroom)

*sparkles