to the man i love

my tatay is the most under appreciated person in my family. 

for decades, it was my lola who handled the steering wheel of our family's ship (not until she reached the age of retirement).  her words were rules. her decisions were respected. she was on the top of the food chain. i don't know if it's a good thing but looking at the bigger picture, under her leadership, we survived tumultuous times.

but that leadership has removed my father from the position, which is usually held by fathers. (not to mention that my father and my lola has a tarnished relationship as in-laws). 

the three of us are lola's boys. our lola attended our PTA meetings, she bought our school stuff, she handled school affairs, and the like. although she didn't  brainwash us during our formative years, her way of treating our father made a lasting impression to all of us (well, i don't exactly know about my other brothers). as for me, having a conversation with my dad is the most awkward thing. every time he tries to strike a conversation, i give him a maximum of two words per answer. i know there's wrong with the way i treat my father who did nothing but offer his love, patience, and understanding to me (and to the three of us). in spite of my efforts to counsel myself, i would always go back to square one–a cold attitude towards my tatay, that is.

is it because i'm more of a lola or a mom person that's why i couldn't look at my dad's eyes every time we talk or is it because during those critical moments in my life, i wasn't given the chance to bond with my father, the chance given to other kids? 

as we started to flex our own wings, i became more critical of how my lola treats (and treated) my father. (this time, however, it's a more placid environment in the house and between the two). though it's like learning how to write again, i'm trying to build a relationship with my father, something that should have been built a long time ago.

i know there's a rhyme and reason why he was sent to the hospital days ago. my dad was complaining about his difficulty to urinate. my mom feared it was prostate cancer. thank the benevolent god, it's not.

tonight is a wake-up call to me,especially. this is a reminder that my father may not be there always to wait for the attention, the care, and the love he truly deserves. he toils for decades to provide us with the basic needs. he is just asking for the love, something free of charge.

i'm offering this entry to my father as a symbol of a promise that i will bring myself closer to him than i ever was. 

after all that has been said, my respect for my tatay just keeps on soaring higher (every day) for he is a man of compassion, of simplicity, of meekness, and most of all, of love to his wife and children.

to my tatay,  a gratitude that is worth my life.

thank you.

*sparkles!