while i was focused on the twigs-turned-xmas-tree, jenchelle and ate luisa were secreting sweat and blood to untangle the "sparkling" chandelier. i kept on blaming ate luisa of not listening to my instruction on how to remove that "thing," that's why it ended up like sotanghon. ate luisa was irritated every time i went on my rant. anyway, i felt pity to these two very eager ladies, that's why i promised to buy them of anything they wanted. thank god, they picked ice cream. the sun was almost set, when we called it quits. i was finished with the skeletal tree. the rest of the team was almost dizzy with their half-a-day work. we then decided to buy ice cream. while waiting, i decided to go to my kuya edgie's room to watch. also, since i had to satisfy my ravenous hunger, i asked ate luisa to cook pancit canton. i thought, it would be enough while we waited for the ice cream.

nothing significant happened in between… the ice cream arrived. we ate. then, i decided to watch again. my kuya aries arrived, by the way. he dropped by to leave a sack of rice. then, he left. we ate our supper, then, i decided to watch an episode of ROME (DVD), before i took a bath–something that would provide a relaxation to me, later. while inside the room, i could hear my nanay and lola starting with their daily "serving" of petty fights. i thought it was just another "i-have-a-louder-voice-than-you…" routine. then, a word was said. that's the time the blood of anger rushed up to my head. i went out and started pulling anything on my way. a precious christmas ball was thrown on the floor. i remember kicking a stool. i think that was the time when our center table broke into two. when everything was pacified, that was the time i saw the glass table broken. deep inside, i was hurt by the things i said (in a loud voice) and did. but the anger was overwhelming at that moment. then again, nothing should allow to condone whatever i did. true, a word said by my lola struck a nerve, but no excuses should be accepted. after that, i told ate luisa to remove all the house decoration. i remember myself saying, "there's no need to celebrate christmas if we don't know the true meaning of it." something to that effect. but of course, it was in filipino. i went back to the room to continue watching. almost at the end, i stopped and decided to go on with my late night shower. i thought it would pacify me more. and it did. after an hour of being alone inside an intimate shower room, the anger left my body. i was able to sort things out.

this is what i hate about myself. outside our territory, i could hold on to my anger for the longest possible time. i would always bring the fabric of patience wherever i go. but inside the house, i would always get irritated (fast). i've been trying (and praying) for the longest time that someday i could also extend the same amount of patience at home as i would outside. i've encountered a lot of readings reminding me how important it is to hold on to a word–thinking how dangerous it would be, the moment it leaves my mouth…and that, something said (better if it's good, but what if it's a bad thing?), can never be recalled. for years, i've been trying to master to be calm. but at home, there would always be something that trigger my anger. if this were a test of how calm i'd become since the time i consciously required myself to be, i failed the test. once again, i broke something inside the house…once again, i broke my lola's and nanay's spirit. i could do nothing to rewind and changed the tragic event that happened earlier. what i can do now is to continue trying what i've started–to envelope myself with calmness every time i'm in this kind of situation.

well, tonight, the shattering of glass and spirit has told me a valuable lesson. i should be more patient with the people that matter to me most.